Ashley shares her lifelong struggle with weight, her journey to gastric bypass surgery and how Indeed’s benefits plan helped her become a healthier version of herself.
I was 9 the first time I wrote in my diary that I hated my body. It was a Lisa Frank diary with a little lock on it that I got for my birthday. I hated everything about myself and decided I needed to change. I was 9 years old.
When I was 12, I did a crash diet that would ruin scrambled eggs for me for almost 10 years. At 15 I got braces and lost 40lbs, but was still considered a “big” girl. I wore a skirt to school one day and a boy put his hand on my leg without my consent, so I slapped him. The teacher said it happened because the “fat part” of my leg was showing and I got detention.
I yo-yo dieted for years and had some successes, but inevitably the weight would come back with a vengeance. When I joined Indeed in 2016, I was at my highest weight and felt incredibly self conscious. I didn’t let it get in the way of hitting the ground running, but it was always in the back of my mind, especially when we had to give shirt sizes or take group photos.
A year into working at Indeed, I contacted a bariatric surgeon in Austin to see if our health insurance policy covered gastric bypass surgery. It didn’t, which was disappointing, but not unexpected. In general, it is not a common coverage offered by employer health insurance policies.
Over 40% of Americans are obese and their healthcare expenses can be up to 233% higher than those with a “normal” BMI (Body Mass Index). Even though BMI is not the definitive way to measure individual health, considering you can be healthy at any size, it is still a key indicator in your ability to live a longer, healthier life. For weight loss surgery patients, this measurement is used to set goals and expectations.
Fact: Obesity-related healthcare costs are upwards of $260 billion annually according to a 2021 study by the Academy of Managed Care.
New role, same fears
In 2018 I started a new role at Indeed on the Employer Brand team managing our presence at global recruiting events. This was a team I wanted to join pretty much since I started at Indeed and I couldn’t be more excited. However, it would require a lot more “face” time at events, as well as a drastic increase in my travel, including outside of the US.
For someone that is (was) severely overweight, this was stressful in a way that my thinner counterparts couldn’t understand.
The list of ways I felt uncomfortable in my body is vast, and frankly, difficult to explain. Even on a Texas summer day, I would be wearing a cardigan and pants to hide my body. Traveling on a plane meant being shoved into a tight space with strangers and taking up more than my fair share…and asking for a seat belt extender which is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever had to do.
In October 2018, my manager and I would be traveling to Hyderabad together for an event and I was terrified I would need to ask for one in front of him, so I actually kept an extender from a solo trip earlier that month. I just didn’t give it back when the flight landed; I felt like a criminal.
My weight and how I interacted with the world around me because of it, was on my mind every waking moment.
This is not hyperbole, it was a constant thing. You might be thinking it was pure vanity on my part, but consider this: if I lost my luggage, I would struggle to find my size except in specialty stores that are hard to find, especially outside of the US. This was a constant fear so I carried a change of clothes with me at all times.
A surprise that changed my life
After this experience, I decided to visit the bariatric surgeon again just to see how much it would cost out-of-pocket. I was elated to find out that our insurance now covered gastric bypass surgery! At first I thought it was a mistake, but it was real and I could actually begin the journey to free myself of this unbearable weight.
I don’t know who made the decision to add this coverage to Indeed’s policy, but whoever you are: you quite literally saved my life and I cannot ever thank you enough.
The journey to the operating table was way longer and much more intensive than I anticipated. It would require a minimum of 12 visits with a nutritionist, a psychological evaluation, an EKG and lots of blood work. Oh, and I needed to lose about 10% of my body weight on my own. All of this while traveling at a hectic pace and being in an Indeed office surrounded by delicious food 5 days a week.
I was scared and didn’t think I could do it, so I didn’t. For all of 2019, I just dealt with my body issues and kept working, putting all thoughts of the surgery in the back of my mind as a kind of fantasy. By the end of the year I was exhausted due to sleep apnea, my back and knees were in constant pain and I was battling severe depression.
Then 2020 came barreling in and everything changed. EVERYTHING. I was so tired of myself and made the decision to stop drinking soda and eating fast food. That’s all I wanted, just to gain back at least that much control in my life. So, January 20, 2020 I quit them both. It was hard, but I was so ready for a change.
Everyone knows what comes next: March 2020 we went WFH and travel stopped. The idea of gastric bypass surgery started to sound more feasible, but still…the world was a scary place and elective surgery was almost entirely cancelled. By June 2020, I had lost about 25lbs and was really very proud of myself. I was meeting with a nutritionist every week and we were talking about a September surgery date! I couldn’t believe it was happening!
But then, life dealt me some unexpected news and I had to make a different surgery a priority.
Unexpected news
In June 2020 I had my annual well-woman exam with my gynecologist and mentioned I’d been having a lot of back pain, more than usual. We did an ultrasound right there in her office and I was given devastating news. My endometriosis had caused some of my organs to become cemented together and I would need to have a hysterectomy.
I was 37 and didn’t have children, I hadn’t really decided if I wanted to yet. So much was going through my head, I didn’t know what to do. I cried a lot, talked to anyone that would listen, read a ton of articles and found forums online. So many things happened in the months leading up to the hysterectomy on October 5th, 2020, it’s a blur honestly, but I have no regrets.
In mid-November of 2020 I was cleared for the gastric bypass surgery again, so I went back to finish my last 4 sessions with the nutritionist, and had all of the required lab work done again. My surgery date was set for February 9, 2021.
At this point I was down 34lbs, so I had actually lost more than the 10% requirement. I just had to get through the holidays, and since COVID was still very much a thing, I was spending them at home with my partner and our dogs.
As the surgery date got closer and closer, I started to feel something unexpected: unworthy.
I had dieted my whole life and could never keep it off, what makes me think this will work? I’ve failed every other time, why should I be given this opportunity? Who am I, if I’m not fat? My entire life would change and I didn’t know if I was capable of making it through, physically, mentally or emotionally. In over a year of preparation and losing 34lbs entirely on my own, I still didn’t believe in myself.
This is where I want to say something very important: weight loss surgery is not an “easy way out.”
A lifelong commitment
The weight doesn’t magically fall off, never to be seen again. Just because I eat less, doesn’t mean I can eat whatever I want. It is not a cure for food addiction. Yes, the weight comes off quickly and consistently in the beginning for most people, but it is not easy. I consumed only liquids for the first 3 weeks after surgery, I even had to crush my medications into powder and mix them with water to take them. It was nearly 2 months before I could eat something that required chewing.
I have to consume a minimum of 65g of protein every single day for the rest of my life. I can no longer absorb certain nutrients into my body so I have to supplement with vitamins that I must take every single day for the rest of my life or suffer severe consequences. These are things I knew going in, but the reality of it is so much more intense.
You might be thinking this doesn’t sound too difficult, but try to consume 65g of protein, 64oz of liquid and 6 different vitamins/supplements in a day with a stomach the size of a golf ball and all you can think about is pizza and cake. IT IS HARD.
Yes, I can have pizza. Just one slice and I don’t eat the crust. Sugar is the hardest to give up and the most important. I check every label and if it has more than 10g per serving, I don’t touch it. For context, a 12oz coke has 39g of sugar.
Now 10 months out, would I do it over again? Absolutely. Do I still struggle with food addiction? Every single day for the rest of my life.
In every step I took, from just thinking about it, to making the appointments, to learning about the hysterectomy and needing so much time off to deal with it all, my team has been a constant support system. Every single person has helped me in some way, even if it was just a ping to say they were thinking of me to actually taking things off my to-do list, they all pitched in to help me make it through. If I worked anywhere else, I don’t know that this journey would have been possible, financially or mentally.
Fun fact: my monthly “measurement day” falls on YOU Day, a monthly holiday that Indeed offers to help Indeedians disconnect and focus on their health and family. It’s been extra exciting to start the day with something so personal and positive.
How far I’ve come: a healthier me
Before surgery, I was pre-diabetic and gave myself weekly injections to lower my A1C. I had severe GERD that required a medication known to cause cognitive decline with long-term use, I was anemic and Vitamin D deficient, had high blood pressure and cholesterol as well as sleep apnea.
Now I am in “normal” range in all of the above and no longer take the medication for GERD or have sleep apnea. Even if I was a normal weight, the only cure for my gastro issues was actually weight loss surgery, specifically gastric bypass, as it repaired the broken part of my digestive system.
Pre-surgery BMI: 55.1 (Obese category)
Current BMI: 30.1 (Still obese, sadly, but under 30 is the goal my surgeon set for me.)
Total inches lost: 59 (I’m 60in tall, so almost my entire height!)
This has been incredibly hard (and cathartic) to share, but I wanted to give you the real story and be brutally honest, even if it hurt. Whether you have struggled with weight or not, it’s hard to understand just what it takes to walk through this world in a fat body. As much as I never want to do that again, I hope I never forget. #bekind
Indeed has given me so much in the last 5.5 years and now I can say they have given me more years to live. Thank you.
If you’re considering weight loss surgery or just want to learn more, a visit with your Primary Care Physician is your first step to determine eligibility and/or if the surgery is right for you. This story is only to share my personal journey and not intended to advocate for weight loss surgery. You can check out some of the resources below for more information.
Baritastic Social Facebook Group (Private group you must join to view)
Learn more about benefits at Indeed.
